


Crackheads Against The Apocalypse On Crack

by NatureWorld



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Apocalypse, Blood, Canon LGBTQ Character, Crack, Dark Past, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Death, Father-Daughter Relationship, Flirting, Gen, Infected Characters, LGBTQ Themes, Memory Loss, Neurodivergence Implications, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Non-human characters, Nuclear Weapons, Original Character Death(s), POV Third Person, POV Third Person Limited, Past Character Death, Past Tense, Post-Apocalypse, Spoilers, Traitor, Weapons, Zombie Apocalypse, Zombies, light fluff, mental illness implications
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:09:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28843614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NatureWorld/pseuds/NatureWorld
Summary: In this book, we made it so that all the characters of the Crackheads series snort crack and get seriously high. What will happen? Idk man I'm not allowed in the future after the 2069 incident, read the book to see idiot - FoxPlease help they’re holding us hostage to write this AAAAA- - Wholesome(WARNING. CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR FUTURE CHAPTERS / as of 01/18/21)
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

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Kat: -banging on the closet- "Toast, come out of the closet!"  
Toast: -clutching adrian's picture- "It all started with my parents.."  
Kat: "Wait, that's not what I meant-"  
Yumi: "Shhh... Let him continue."

Yumi: "What do you have?"  
Lunar: "A knife!"  
Yumi: "nOoOoO-"

Rando: "In every group of friends, there's always the stupid one."  
Everyone: -looks at yumi/wholesome-

Coconut: "We’re all going to hell, goodbye!"

Nebula: "Humans are idiotic and I despise all of them."  
Yumi: -exists-  
Nebula: "Humans are idiotic and I despise almost all of them."

Yumi: “There's only one gender…" -pause- "The human gender."  
Yumi’s Long Lost Memories: “BuT wHaT aBoUt NaScAr-?"

Wholesome: "I’m gonna eat this flower." -inhales flower-  
Everyone at the funeral: "Tf?"

Nebula: "Kai, it's nerf or nothing. It's always nerf or nothing. You should know that by now."

Nebula/Lunar: “The real treasure was the memories we made along the way.”  
Toast: “You tried to kill me.”  
Nebula/Lunar: “That was my fondest memory.”

Wholesome: “Welcome to my very first vlog, in which I will try different products!”  
Also Wholesome: -sprays perfume into their mouth- “Well, right off the bat I can tell you that this one is not very good.”

Wholesome: "This song is called what I want for Christmas..." -cues the piano noises- "My friends back."

Lunar: “That's a pretty knife.”  
Yumi: “Kat gave it to me.”  
Kat: “I threw it at Nebula.”  
Yumi: “She’s very sweet."

Charisma: "What's it like being tall?"  
Nebula and Toast: "We'll show you."  
Charisma: -gets lifted up-  
Charisma: "AaAaAaAaAa-"

Yumi: “Where have you been?”  
Yumi’s Long Lost Memories: “Emotional hell.”

Wholesome: -dials 911-  
Wholesome: "Hey, I hate to be ‘that guy’, but I glued myself to the ceiling again."

Nebula/Lunar: “Sorry. I lost my cool for a second.”  
Toast: “You can’t lose something you never had.”

Toast: -sharpens knife- "We've got ways of making people talk."  
Toast: -cuts piece of cake-  
Kai: "…Can I have some?"  
Toast: "Cake is for talkers."

Yumi: "I like your name."  
Kat: "Thanks, I got it for my birthday."

Sunni: "Do you know when you know someone, and you see that they have another, like, life away from you and it feels weird?"  
Wholesome: "Like... When you see your teacher in the grocery store weird or like when someone you’ve known for a long time starts wearing a cowboy hat weird?"  
Sunni: "The… The first thing weird?"  
Wholesome: "Oh that’s good, ‘cause I was thinking about getting a cowboy hat."

Past Toast: -accidentally hits past adrian in the face-  
Past Toast: -trying to decide between saying 'i’m so sorry' and 'are you okay?'-  
Past Toast: "ARE YOU SORRY?!"

Yumi: "I wasn’t hurt that bad."  
Toast: "Nebula said all the bleeding was internal."  
Yumi: "Which is where it’s supposed to be."

Yumi: "If I run and leap at Lunar/Nebula, they'll catch me in their arms!"  
Yumi: -runs and leaps at Lunar/Nebula-  
Lunar/Nebula, who is holding a dangerous weapon: -drops the weapon to catch yumi-

Lunar: "Look, let’s just agree to say 'I’m sorry' on the count of three"  
Lunar: "One, two, three..."  
Nebula:  
Lunar:  
Lunar: "See, now I’m just disappointed in both of us."

Kai, dumping out a shopping bag full of Lunchables onto the table: "Tonight, we feast." 

Kat: "Do you miss the imagination of childhood?"  
Yumi/Toast: "I never had one."  
Kat: "An imagination or a childhood?"

Yumi: "You're smiling... Did something good happen?"  
Lunar: "I can't smile because I feel like it?"  
Nebula: "Toast just tripped and fell in the parking lot."  
Yumi: "That explains it."

Toast: "Time sensitive question. How to flirt boy?"  
Kat: "Throw rocks at him."  
Yumi/Wholesome: "Hot dog."  
Nebula/Lunar: "Kill him."  
Toast: "Thanks, guys."

Lunar to Wholesome: "I dare you to-"  
Nebula: "Wholesome isn’t allowed to accept dares."  
Wholesome: "Apparently I have 'no regard for my personal safety'."

Wholesome/Yumi: "Surgery is just stabbing someone to life."  
Toast/Nebula: "Please never become a surgeon."

Nebula: "Did Lunar just tell me she loved me for the first time?"  
Yumi: "Yeah."  
Nebula: "...and did I just do finger guns back?"  
Yumi: "Yes, yes you did."

Wholesome: "If you tear more holes in a net, it would end up having fewer."  
Nebula: "STOP."

Lunar/Kat: "Name one time I haven’t acted professional."  
Toast: "You’re holding a juice box right now."  
Lunar/Kat: "It’s to stop me from spilling my juice." 

Charisma: "I am very small,"  
Charisma: "and I have no money,"  
Charisma: "so you can imagine the kind of stress I’m under?"

Nebula: "Sorry, but you're under arrest for robbery."  
Yumi: "What did I steal?"  
Nebula, trying not to cry: "My heart."

Yumi: "I like your shirt!"  
Lunar: "Thanks-" -remembers people like bad boys- "-I stole it-" -remembers people also like nice guys- "-from an old man I was helping walk across the street."

Kat/Wholesome: -kicks g off graveyard sign-  
Kat/Wholesome: "Let’s get this party started."

Yumi: "You tricked me!"  
Lunar: "No, I merely deceived you. 'Tricked' makes it sound like we have a playful relationship."


	2. Chapter 2

Kat:"Rules were made to be broken!"  
Toast: "Yeah, well, bodies weren't!"

Lunar: “Pardon the intrusion, but-“  
Toast: “On this moment or just my life in general? “

Coconut: *signs a legal document with a glitter gel pen* 

Nebula: "You will machete through this!"  
Nebula: "*make it."  
Nebula: "Do not machete your way through this."  
Wholesome: "Too late."

Lunar: "I am at a loss for words!"  
Nebula, telling Yumi later: "Despite being lost for words, Lunar yelled at me for the next 45 minutes."

Lunar: "You’re a lying, cheating, piece of shit! You’re not the person I married!"  
Nebula: "Fine then! We’re getting a divorce! And I'm taking the kids!"  
Yumi, pushing the monopoly board away from them: "Maybe we should stop playing."

Charisma: "I relate to Belle because she loves books and likes people for who they are!"  
Lunar/Kat: "I relate to Tinkerbell because she needs attention or she dies."

Nebula: "Do you even know what an amulet is?  
Yumi: "Of course I do! I eat amulets sometimes. I like the ones with cheese and onions!"  
Nebula to Yumi: "Those are omelettes."  
Yumi: "Oh. Then I’ve got nothing."

Toast: "What is the one thing I told you not to do?"  
Kat: "Burn the house down."  
Toast: "And what did you do?"  
Kat: "I made dinner."  
Toast:  
Kat:  
Toast:  
Kat: "...and burnt the house down."

Nebula: [Can easily hold the high note in “Say Amen” by P!ATD]  
Yumi: [Kinda tries, but ends up laughing and admits defeat halfway through]  
Wholesome: [Doesn’t even try, even though Nebula begs them]  
Lunar: [Can do it, but messes it up on purpose to be crazy]  
Toast: [Can 100% do it, but doesn’t want to seem like a show-off]  
Kat: [Tries so fucking hard but for some reason sounds like a dying goose]

Past Adrian: "Now all we have to do is go up the - what happened to the stairs?!"  
Past Toast: "My parents took them down cause I am grounded."  
Past Adrian: "That’s disturbing."

Nebula: "So, I have made the decision to trust you."  
Lunar/Kai: "A horrible decision, really."

Lunar: "I want to let you all know…"  
Lunar: "I have good news."  
-everyone explodes-  
Lunar: *laughing* "It worked!"

Lunar: "Let’s write Nebula a friendly note, shall we? Dear... Incompetent… Dumbass…”

Yumi/Kat: "Guys, what do you think the meaning of life is?"  
Wholesome: "Hmm, now that’s a tricky one. I’d guess it would be-"  
Coconut: "CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES, SEE THEM DRIVEN BEFORE YOU AND HEAR THE LAMENTATIONS OF THEIR WOMEN!"  
Sunni: "...or having a family! It’s pretty much the same!"  
Yumi/Kat: *slowly backs away*

Toast: "You’re a loose cannon, Lunar."  
Lunar: "No, I’m not. I’m a cannon, maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?"  
Nebula: "I think you play by your own rules."  
Kat: "No way, they think rules were made to be broken."  
Toast: "Those are all attributes of a loose cannon."  
Lunar: "No, I’m just a reckless renegade. Nebula is a loose cannon."  
Nebula: "*smashes a chair* You shut your trap, Lunar!"  
Charisma: "I’d say Nebula’s more of a cop on the edge with nothing to lose. That’s an entirely different thing."  
Yumi: "Now I’m just confused. Is Lunar a loose cannon or not?"  
Toast: "All right, put on a pot of coffee. We’re gonna get to the bottom of this."  
Lunar: "*groans*"  
Kat: "Aw, man."

Toast: "Isn’t this a bit dangerous?"  
Kat: "Toast, please. I’ve been in alot of unexpected predicaments before and I always escape unhurt."  
Toast: ...  
Kat: "Okay, I sometimes escape unhurt."  
Toast: ...  
Kat: "Alright, I escaped unhurt once... Then I hurt myself on the way home."

Lunar: "That guy is taking credit for Yumi’s work, getting them to deal with everything, and making fun of them! You know what they sound like?"  
Nebula: "You?"  
Lunar: "No, I meant... You know Yumi. In spite of being clever and sweet,:they’re also... fragile and weird and they have trouble fitting in, and this jerk is taking advantage of their weakness! You know what that’s called?"  
Nebula: "A Lunar?"  
Lunar: "...Yeah, but I’m the only one who should be allowed to do that, okay?!"

Lunar: "I swear. Sometimes, I think the whole world is against me."  
Kat: "I don’t know. Sometimes it feels like maybe, it's kinda because you’re a little uh–"  
Lunar:"Mistreated?"  
Kat: "A little…"  
Lunar: "Cheated out of things I deserved?"  
Kat: "Eh–"  
Lunar: "Unjustifiably shunned?"  
Kat: "I was kind of going more for a weeping sore of annoyance."

Toast: "We’re kind of missing something, guys."  
Nebula: "Cohesion?"  
Nebula: "Teamwork?"  
Nebula: "A general sense of what we’re doing?"  
Toast: "...and Yumi/Kai/Charisma isn't here."  
Nebula: "Oh, and that, yeah."

Lunar: "Been eating a lot of bread."  
Nebula: "WE GET IT, LUNAR. YUMI BROUGHT YOU BREAD. QUIT RUBBING IT IN."

Wholesome/Toast: "Nebula is renowned for being a terrifying combatant."  
Lunar: "Let them come, I’ll kill them."  
Wholesome/Toast: "You just can’t kill all of your problems, Lunar."  
Lunar: "Bet."

Yumi: "Which line do we take for a [insert legal document]?"  
Lunar: "You need the line for people who don’t know what line they need."  
Nebula: "We don’t have time for that!"  
Lunar: "This is the kingdom of bureaucracy. Everything happens in its own time. Usually too late."

Lunar: "What is this!?"  
Toast: "That’s the weight of guilt. Give in to the nice side. Help those unfortunate and make the guilt go away, my friend."  
Lunar: "Ow! Make it stop!"  
Toast: "Surrender to your kindness, Lunar. It’s nice to be nice."  
Lunar: "Your guilt is strong, my friend. But it is no match for the power of my selfishness!"

Nebula: "Love makes people do stupid things."  
Yumi: "I love everything!"  
Nebula: "That explains a lot."

*Past Adrian barged into Past Toast’s room and then left to his own*  
*texting*  
tannedbread - you just scared me so badly  
adrianfromladybug - lol that’s what you get nerd  
adrianfromladybug - get rekt

Toast: "Hey Yumi, are you ready to go?"  
Yumi with a very burnt face: "Hi, Toast, how are ya?"  
Toast: "What in the damn happened to you?"  
Yumi: "Well, you see-"  
Lunar with a poorly hidden empty water bucket: "NOTHING!"

Rando: "Oh, so what are you?"  
Lunar: "Oh, I'm pan."  
Rando: "Wait, but you're dating a girl?"  
Lunar: "I am? I thought I was dating Yumi."

Nebula, walking outside: "Get the F out my yard!"  
Wholesome: -running away with a giant letter F-


	3. Chapter 3

Lunar: "Yumi is a perfect cinnamon roll who’s never done anything wrong in their entire life!"  
Toast: "Never done anything wrong?! They set a city block on FIRE!"  
Yumi: :>

Lunar: "Hey Nebula, I’ve got one missile left, and I know exactly where I’m gonna stick it!"  
Nebula: "One missile, you say? Well that’s a shame, Lunar… BECAUSE I HAVE PLENTY!"  
Toast: "ARE YOU TWO CRAZY!?"   
Lunar: "Sometimes the best approach is simply the most direct!"

Nebula: "If an animal is small, it can't bottle up all its anger inside its small body."  
Rando: "Give me an example."  
Nebula: "Charisma and Wholesome."

Characters - After Getting Stabbed:   
Nebula: "Rude."  
Toast: “That’s fair.”  
Yumi: “Not again.”  
Kat: "Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?"

Lunar: "Manipulation? It's more like... spicy friendship."

Past Toast: "I am not gay."  
Past Adrian: "Hey babe, you want a sandwich?"  
Past Toast: “Yeah, now back to my point.”

Lunar: "You call it a near-death experience, I call it a vibe check from God."

Rando: “You're a girl.”  
Yumi: “I’m an enby.”  
Rando: “You have tits.”  
Yumi: “My girlfriends love them, your point?”

Lunar: "I’ve got to apologize. I can’t have anyone still thinking that I’m a monster."  
-someone bumps into Lunar. Lunar grabs them by the throat and throws them out a nearby window-  
Lunar: "I mean, I won’t be able to live with myself if people were afraid of me."

Wholesome: "I think 8 is the hottest number. Like… look how thicc it is. Two Cs."  
Nebula: "It is taking all my willpower to not slap you right now."

Toast/Nebula: "Dude, it’s gonna be so easy! All I have to do is smile and talk to people."  
-one second later-  
Toast/Nebula: "Oh shit, I forgot… I can’t smile and I hate people!"

Toast: "Lunar, I know you love Yumi. I mean, we all do, they’re a very nice person and I respect them immensely..."  
Toast: "...but I think they might be a fucking idiot."

Toast: "Kat, gather the others. We need to have another Yumi-is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-them-before-they-hurt-someone convention."

Past Toast: "I’m really good at hiding who my crush is."  
Past Adrian, walking in: "Hey, what’s up?"  
Past Toast: "I have to gay."  
Past Toast: "I MEAN GO–"

Lunar: "Don’t worry, guys. I’ll tell your story!"  
Toast: "I feel like this is how any situation where Lunar’s life is in danger is going to end... with them promising to speak well at our funerals."

Kat: “Anyway, I got a better idea.”  
Toast: “Is it stupid, desperate, and very unlikely to get us out of this mess?”  
Kat: “Yes.”  
Toast: “Is it humiliating?”  
Kat: “If we get it wrong.”  
Toast: “Are we likely to get it wrong?”  
Kat: “Possibly.”  
Toast: “In the time it’s taking me to ask you these questions, could you have just told me what it is?  
Kat: "Definitely."  
Toast: "Should we get on with it then?"  
Kat: "Yeah, we better."

Toast, startled after suddenly hearing a loud noise: "What the hell was that?!"  
Yumi, calmly: "That was the camera."  
Toast: "No, the yelling."  
Yumi: "That was Kat."

Toast: "Please sign here."  
Lunar: "What’s that? A marriage certificate?"  
Toast: "No, your suspension letter."

Kat: "How did my clothes even catch fire? I bought them because the tag said “inflammable”!"  
Kai: "Inflammable means flammable…"  
Kat: "What?! That doesn’t even make sense!"

Lunar, after having not seen Yumi for a long time: "I cannot wait."  
-sirens blaring-  
Lunar: "It seems I will have to wait."

Kai: "HeadOn - Apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn - Apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn - Apply directly to the forehead."  
Nebula: "I hate you so much…"  
Kai: "HeadOn is available without a prescription at retailers nationwide."

Toast: "Do you know where we’re going?"  
Kat: "I have a map."  
Toast, in disbelief: "A map?"  
Kat, nodding in confirmation: "A map."  
Toast: "Who in the hell uses a map?"  
Kat: "I do."  
Yumi: "We’re never going to get there."

Yumi: "So what happened to your last partner?"  
Lunar: "Oh yeah, they died in a car accident."  
Yumi: "Well, what did they hit?"  
Lunar: "Well, they ran into a sniper bullet."

Kat: "I know this isn’t going to end well and I don’t care. So don’t you try and stop me, Toast!"  
Toast: "I wasn’t stopping you. I was asking if you had a spare camera so I can record this."

**Author's Note:**

> (Written by @GhostToast8323 on Wattpad (Toast)  
> kittycat929 on Discord (Kat)  
> @PuppetGaster on Wattpad (Yumi)  
> Wholesomesnowfall on Wattpad (Wholesome)  
> Foxtastic :3 on YouTube (Nebula)  
> @LunarEclispe462 on Wattpad (Lunar)  
> izmiio on Instagram (Kai)  
> Charisma Crackers on Discord (Charisma))


End file.
